Who am i and why do i what i do?

Firstly thank you for taking the time to read through this blog. My name is Ted and I live in the UK. I am a dad of three, the oldest of the three however is my angel baby.

I will go into more detail about my whole life and the situations that I have encountered and overcome throughout the duration of these daily Blogs. My aim is to take you, the reader on a journey of acceptance and male vulnerability, as I share my stories with you all.

So where did my journey begin?

So my babyloss journey began in 2018 with the birth of my first son William, at 22 weeks gestation. Myself and partner at the time had not long been married and were as expected, very excited to find out we would be expanding our family. The pregnancy itself ran smoothly for the first 20 weeks and as a first pregnancy there were very little concerns. everything changed from that point onwards. As we approached the 22 week mark my partner at the time noticed some changes in the pregnancy and contacted the local triage who advised her to come into the hospital for a check up. This was where they discovered an issue with her cervix and could see the visible waters.

Being new to the pregnancy scene this was all a bit too much as it is only ever told that your waters will go when the baby is ready to come, but how could this work at 22 weeks? these were the sort of questions that kept going through our heads that evening.

It was discovered then that Williams mum suffered with an Incompetent Cervix. Simply put the Cervix struggled to maintain under pressure of a growing foetus and simply opened up as if in full labour, meaning that at 22 weeks we would meet our son. There are precautions/options that can be explored but in our case the risk of mothers health was greatly factored into the thinking and the hope was that the waters would settle and allow the cervix to do its job. This however was not the case and a couple of hours later our son came into the world.

Even more surprising was the fact that at 22 weeks gestation and less than 1lb in weight William was born alive and breathing and in fact continued to fight on for the next 2 hours taking him into the early hours of the following morning.

Nothing can prepare you for those few hours of knowing and waiting, but what I can say is those moments were bliss. For those couple of hours I had no care for anything in the world but my family and even though the gravity of the situation hadn't set in at all those are the memories that last.

6 years on and I currently have a daughter with Williams mum, Laura who is 2 years old and was a rainbow baby following IVF treatment. (I will cover this in future blogs) I also have a new born son, Rohan from a new relationship.

As I have said my life has been pretty complex with many twists and turns and most definitely no where near perfect, but I aim to take you on my journey including everything, in order to help you potentially on your journey.

I will be regularly updating on my journey in the present and the future along with stories from my past.

I really do hope you can all enjoy this journey and will be encouraged to discuss your own vulnerabilities and journeys.

How did I feel in the immediate aftermath?

Thank you guys for your support so far it has been an incredible 24 hours!

So in todays post I would like to expand on the initial information to delve into how I felt as a grieving dad during this time. I will always remember being in the hospital and watching everyone come and go and at times it felt like some never said a word or acknowledged that I was even there. To be honest at times I think that was the case as when babyloss is addressed the first port of call is with the mother and this is completely understandable as they are the ones that have grown and carried the baby. But as the man you feel like you cant get attached or be sad because of this. I found myself questioning why I was sad because at times it felt like I had no right because I didn't carry William and that I was sad because of missing out on a future and that this could be perceived as selfish. This in itself is confusing because you need to be the strong partner to ensure that they are able to grieve with the protection required from yourself.

I would forever feel guilt if I let my sadness get the better of me when in the same room as my ex partner as it would, in my head at least show weakness when trying to comfort her. The more i progress through life the more i realise this was actually a weakness in itself. I was doing myself and my son an injustice by not being willing and able to acknowledge that i needed support and this was hard.

to get straight into it when William was around 20 weeks gestation I was working away from home, I had a couple of disagreements with my employer regarding hospital visits and antenatal appointments. So with all this and the fact that I was soon to be a dad for the first time I took the decision to leave my employment and start a new chapter closer to my home. It was during my notice period that things started to change and i knew things were going to get difficult. fast forward the 2 weeks and put yourself in my position. Imagine having to tell a future employer that you would need time off to grieve at the point of interview? Imagine being asked if you had any planned vacations or leave in the next few months only to know you would have to bury your son? Imagine trying to put on a brave face in a meeting with a potential hirer, when deep down inside your world has collapsed? you have no job no prospects and more striking the family you thought you were going to have has gone in the blink of an eye.

These thoughts are prominent because they are things you never feel like you would have to think about and in the aftermath of the events these are all things you have to think about. I knew that a major part of my coping journey would be routine and to be in a routine that would be difficult to slack i would need to be in work. So in many senses I was kind of lucky because during my stay in hospital with my at the time partner, I had the distraction of trying to find work.

When I eventually did find work I was petrified the first day. The anxiety that emanated out of me was intense . How would i navigate the "family" conversation? I've learnt throughout my journey that William is a piece of my heart and that it is up to me whether i choose to share that piece of heart and who I choose to share that with. This is something I wish I knew sooner as it would have been easier to deal with at times. Introductions had taken place and everything was going smoothly no awkward conversations had arose, but I couldn't help but feel that I wasn't the same me that left my previous job, and the brutal fact is that was the case and arguably even more brutal was the realisation that the version of me referred to there was never going to come back. In hindsight this has led to me becoming a more rounded person and open to other peoples thoughts and feelings. As a 24 year old man who still had a lot of growing to go, you can imagine the space I found myself. all of a sudden I was insecure, anxious and more importantly vulnerable. These are things a 24 year old would never say normally. But as we know the situation I found myself in was far from the normal we are all brought up to know. You are brought up to know that children come into your life to expand your family but you are never taught about any other outcomes.

That First evening.

So part 3 is going into more detail about the actual evening and how I felt during that time on that first evening. So I will head straight into it.

The evening we arrived at the hospital was a strange one it was the middle of the biggest snow storm seen in the uk. We were told that because the cervix was open with the waters visible we were kind of in a no man’s land of;

1. If anything could have been done to save the pregnancy then the impact on the pregnancy could produce an early labour.

2. If there was anything that could have been done it would/could have had a detrimental effect on my ex partner not only her health but her ability to potentially conceive again.

So there we were waiting almost for the inevitable even though at the time I had no idea what that was. It all went fairly quickly from there. I remember the midwives rushing in In what was now delivery stage and then asking if I would like to be able to see everything or if it would be preferred to be concealed. This again as a naïve 20 something was a strange thing to be said because “what is actually happening?”

One of my biggest regrets happens that night. As I now know as a parent, you get a feeling that something isn’t right with your children. This is exactly what happened with my parents they called me to ask if I wanted them to travel the 2+hours down country to be with us and in a moment of not understanding the situation I told them “no its going to be ok, I think everything will be fine?” How wrong this was and worse! The intense guilt I felt and still feel to this day for not allowing my parents to be there is hard man! I felt like I had cheated them out of a moment in there life that will now never be able to fully experience.

In the aftermath of the delivery I remember sitting there in the worlds most uncomfortable chair. When I was sat there I felt all alone. Even in a room of 10+ people I felt helpless and by myself. No amount of words can describe what I was feeling at the time partly because, how can you put that into words? Helpless is the only way to describe, gutted for the impact on my family. Gutted for the impact on my life from now on. Gutted for knowing that would be the last time I see my son take a breath.

Feelings and helplessness

Hello again welcome back to diary of a loss dad or if it’s your first time then thank you for the visit!

I’m going to be going into helplessness and feelings today, not just in the initial moment of loss but in the times following the birth of William itself.

So the first thing you are kind of led to believe in your own mind is to keep composed. But the overriding feeling at the time is how am I supposed to keep composed when in the presence of people when I struggle to keep composed when I’m by myself? This feeling as I’ve begun to understand is normal and why should you have to show composure? To keep strong? To clearly think and not say/do the wrong thing? There is no real correct answer to this it is exactly what it is, a feeling. So you will know what to do at any given time. Don’t be too scared to open up but also ensure that you are ready to open up when you choose.

Being ready is a solid point to make here because only you will know when that point comes. You may be 100% and ready to tell your story but something in your day might set you back and that’s ok. As long as you can feel that whatever you say is on your terms it becomes a lot easier to open up. This comes with a sense of control, almost a safe space of such.

I’ve talked a couple of times about feeling lost and helpless and I remember being told that we would only expect a couple of hours and that’s when I felt lost. It was almost like being in a maze with only dead ends. But ultimately you have to dig or find a way out.

Grief can impact in so many ways and again it is ok if you feel differently to someone else in a similar situation, that is completely natural. People will deal with their situations in the best way they can and so long as you are staying true to what you believe and what you feel then that is the best you possibly ask for.

Men have a tendency to bottle up and make do. I will be going into that in a later part but my initial reaction was “I need to pull myself together and support my family.” In hindsight this is the wrong response but it was the natural one. I felt almost a weakness in admitting that I was hurting when in itself, it was a weakness to see this as weakness.

The other main thing I learned in my journey is that everyone else’s journey is different their situation might be difficult. But you can never downgrade your situation based on you thinking someone’s else’s is worse. Your loss is your loss and has the biggest impact on your life. Whether your loss is full time stillborn, Part term neonatal, ectopic, miscarriage or problem trying to conceive the outcome is the same and the void left by this trauma is huge. So remember to be kind to yourself and those around you. Trust me you will get there one day even if it feels like that day may never come.

Masculinity

Today I want to talk about masculinity and more importantly “toxic masculinity”

The definition of Toxic masculinity is an attitude or set of social guidelines stereotypically associated with manliness that often have a negative impact on men, women, and society in general. This is so true. The notion that defining yourself as weak because you are feeling something that isn’t typically associated with masculinity is absurd. But sadly this happens in almost every male that I have ever met.

Anything that can be perceived as negative or dare say feminine is defined by the TM brain as weakness. But why are we like this? Many of us have been brought up by wonderful mothers, who as a man will always be an inspiration, the person that can take you back to being a child. So why don’t we inherit the characteristics of our mums when it comes to thinking? I look at my mum as a strong woman but I would never think she was weak for showing love and emotion, so why when these characteristics are attributed to a male they often become seen as weaker/inferior and this should 100% not be the case!

In my eyes any man that can be open and honest will never be classed as weak. If anything, and this comes from the truth, they are stronger. Bravery is a big part of TM when you look back at tales from the past you are taught about brave warriors putting their life on the line. To me someone standing up for what they feel or believe in the face of adversity is the definition of bravery. Imagine being in a room full of people and being prepared to share your darkest secrets and insecurities? That is powerful and brave.

I will admit that I am not perfect and these tendencies still cross my mind but that is the natural default for a man. 7 years ago I would have never thought how I do now that’s for sure. If I saw a man cry in front of a room of work colleagues I don’t know how I would have reacted but I never would seen that the person could have been me. That’s why growth is important, we all need to accept that we deal with things the best way we can and that’s ok.

I have to put in here that the idea for this post came to me when listening to a former professional footballer on a famous business podcast, talk about his insecurity and how toxic masculinity almost ruined his life. I know you probably never will see this but thank you for opening my eyes to your own situation.

Dealing with grief following loss

It took me a while to be in a position to be able to effectively deal with loss of William. My first port of call was work. As I said in an earlier part I’m someone who needs routine to be able to be comfortable. Being at work is a place away from life. You put your phone in your locker then you head on with your day. No social media no unforeseen awkward conversations, just me and fresh hair with too much going on to be able to think about anything but work.

With this approach came a false sense of security. I felt safe at work which probably made me feel “you know what, this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” But as most who have been on a journey similar will know, it just hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere.

My second and primary method is football or “soccer” for our USA friends! Playing and watching is something I have done all my life. It allows me 90mins again with no social media no phone distractions just 90mins of spectating or playing. I find that being outside and running around even in the deepest of rain, is the best mental release for me. It allows fresh air to hit my body and as I said previous gives me no time to think about anything other than what I’m going to do in the game next! Exercise is so under-rated when you are grieving and I get it some day we don’t want to leave the house or the room or even the bed, but there is no better mental release than being active.

The third method was a late discovery. Communication. Expressing how I felt when I was feeling low. This started by conversing with my closest friends about everything and I mean everything! Once I found comfort and stability I decided to take the step and talk to work colleagues. This step wasn’t as hard as first anticipated because I happened to be working with someone who was at pretty much the same step o. Their journey as I was. I took the difficult decision to then stand in front of 40 people at a meeting to discuss “how to approach someone who has lost a baby.” And wow this was hard! But you know what? For all the nerves and anxiety I felt in the moments before this meeting, coming out of it was a weight lifted.

After this I finally felt like I could be who I was supposed to be at work, I got the support I needed for the times I really did need some and it opened my eyes to a different way of understanding. A way that showed me that not all people make judgement calls based on appearances. Not one of those 40 people would be able to say that I had lost my son before that meeting and that is why grief can be scary and lonely. Am I happy now? yes, was I back then? If you ask anyone of those 40 they would say yes but deep down I was broken and muddling through life one day at a time.

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Others and their reactions

In the past 6 years I have seen all sorts of different reactions to my own grief. Whether that be from my parents who rightfully so we’re grieving in their own way at the loss of their grandson. I will head onto that later on in this blog. What I want to talk about is how other people not necessarily associated closely to my son.

So the first port of call is as always work! I remember approaching an anniversary of Williams and at this point only a few close colleagues at work knew about my situation. So one particular day in the build up to this specific anniversary. I as to be expected wasn’t in a full perfect headspace to continue efficiently working. This company had a rule stating that physical and mental fitness were a mandatory for work and if either of these were lacking then you are told not to start work. So with this in mind I approached my manager around 11am to say how I was feeling. He initially was fine and respected what I was saying but then at the end said “ultimately I don’t what to say to you and in future I would probably advise you speak to another manager because they may be better placed to deal with you.” So following this meeting I was relieved that I got what I needed off my chest. It wasn’t until a day or so later that I clicked what had been said. I know the basis of what he was saying was that he probably wasn’t educated or trained enough to deal with the type of situation but the way it came out sounded like “it’s too awkward for me.” Again not sure if this was the case but that’s how I took the chat.

The second interaction and the one that sticks in mind most is this. During a game of football in which every player on the pitch knew why we were there. At the time I played for a babyloss support team in a Sunday 5v5 league. Whilst playing an opposing player approached me and started giving a bit of back and forth “banter” these were the words used in his defence following the fall out. I have played football for nearly 25 years so I know how the game works and I am one who agrees that any advantage you get you should take and if that means getting into the head of your opponent then fair enough. But what was said to me that evening was crossing a line. You should never say anything personal to anyone and the only reason people say those things are because they mean it. I won’t go into detail with what was said but let’s say it was very personal to our situations. I’m not an angry person but that day I wanted to hurt the opposition. I had no intention of playing the rest of that game as it was intended to be played I had just seen red and couldn’t get out of my own head. In the end the game finished and no one was physically harmed but the worst part about it all was that when I confronted the issue with the referee after the game to put in a complaint as advised, he stated that he did in fact hear it and decided not to pay attention and called it an “in game incident” the player in question did eventually receive a 2 game ban but more shockingly so did I. I remember thinking how can I get a disciplinary for being abused? The answer was “the opposition player has been in the league a long time and it may cause a stir if I didn’t get a retrospective ban also!” I was upset more than anything. Following the 2 games we were due to play the same team again so before the game I took it upon myself to accept maybe this persons ignorance got the better of him and now he had time to think he could at least understand my side. He tried his hardest to not notice my attention and then following a chat he refused to shake my hand and even worse said he meant it and had no intention of taking anything back. I was just bemused by the whole situation again thinking how am I in the wrong for losing my son? It was a crazy time and a part of grief I never knew existed. If anyone would like to know what was said I will be more than happy to disclose via message.

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Making it through the days

Often the hardest things to do in life are apparent but when it comes to grief one of the hardest things to do is motivate. Getting out of bed seems like you are lay under a ton of bricks unable to move and this is what grief does. It disables you. Life can be very hard on you in general and because of this it is also worth noting that you should be kind to yourself as much as you possibly can. You have enough going on in your life with out you adding to your own problems by putting yourself down regularly. This is something that has happened in my life. I would tell myself that i wasn't good enough to be a dad and that if something minor might have gone wrong during that day then i would put it down to the fact that it was me. Not an accident, Me.

Little things that have helped me out were simple. Making the bed before you leave the house so that when you return and if you have had a difficult day you wont immediatley be down because of where you live. I tried to take out any negativity that wasnt useful, this included myself and my thought processes. You will be the master of getting into your own head. How many times have you told yourself that you wont be able to do something? how many times have you told yourself that things will go wrong? This is your own mind trying to protect you but sometimes it can be negative, you start to believe that you cant do those things. But try twisting that to say you can do those things. Even if those things may appear minor like getting out of bed or getting out the house. I guarantee you will notice a result by taking this approach.

The other way of eliminating negative is by the circles around you and the people you believe may have your best intentions in mind but 9 times out of 10 will have themselves as number 1 and would be willing to put you in the way of what they require. I had a few in my circle that were similar to this and as soon as i wasn't around them so much i noticed a change in quality of my life. whether that was directly associated with this or not will never be know but i will go with it being that way.

Reflections on my sons siblings

When I think about the impact my son has on my other kids it makes me feel sad and it makes me feel pain. I think about the life that they could have all had together and I know that they don’t think the same because why would they? They are 2 years and the youngest is 3 months! But still for me I find it sad. Where my life could have been no one knows but the fact that my two children have a brother us something I will always let them know!

The fact that my daughter and son to date will not understand why their brother isnt here with them is a topic i am finding hard. How am i to explain to a 2 year old that she isnt the oldest and that she is also a little and big sister? She has been brought up on the fact that she does in fact have an older brother as this is evidenced in both mine and her mothers home. Reminders of him are always there and i suppose im just waiting for her to ask rather than having to take it up with her. But in fairness what age do they start to wonder about these things? In all honesty im really not too sure about the future in regard to william and his siblings but i know that when it comes he will help me say the right things.

When I see children of a similar age to William, who would have been 6 this year. I think that time has flown. I often wonder what would he be in to? Who would be his favourite Pokémon? And what he would be like as a character. I don’t say this because it makes me feel bitter but I say this because of love. I will never forget that little boy nor would I ever want to.

Managing stress

Hello all sorry its been a while! Im going to look into stress management and how i deal with it, along with how i actually see stress. So i will start with that.

Im a big believer that everyone contains an internal stress pot. Everyone's pot may be different some may be big some may be small, others may contain holes to drain the stress away. Mine is very much like this, i have a laid back personality and dont normally let things stress me out especially when they are out of my control. That is why i refer to my stress pot as having holes, as it takes a lot for this pot to fill up and overflow. But it is that very point that i am getting onto. Every stress pot will have a limit where you keep pouring into it and it will eventually overflow and cause a reaction.

When this pot overflows it can be minor or major but either way it never goes well. You can be driving along to work and a minor hiccup could be the end of the world like someone not indicating when turning or being in the wrong lane. But the stress pot is all about managing stress and the amount of stress in the pot. To keep the analogy going think about it as introducing a tap to your bucket? This tap can act like a reliever. something that you do to reduce your stress. For me that could be football or if im feeling particularly full then that is golf. There is no better release of anger or stress than smashing a little white ball 100+ MPH into a fence 200 yards away!

I would rather be in control of how im feeling rather than explode and that impact a loved one around me. your stress relif could be something as simple as music? who doesnt love a sing song every now and again? Films? Comedy? Youtube? it can be anything you want it to be. If your stress is present most at home then sometimes work can be a good place to escape and that is ok providing that you dont rely on this as it may not always be present all of the time. Driving is another good one being by yourself is a good get away put a podcast and just drive around. Im lucky in this sense that i travel all over the UK for work so have plenty of time and i find comfort being back with the people i love.

I have previously been guilty of trying to secretly manage my stress and this has caused a few implosions some of which cause damage that may never be rectified and that is on me. Just remember that the people around you love you for a reason and that reason often is you yourself. Embrace that! just keep being you and you will find out how you best manage your stress in due course.

Diary of a loss dad